Eye of the World Parody
by PirateJohn
Summary: Parody re-telling of The Eye of the World.  Work in progress.  Contains adult themes and strong language.  Not at all suitable for children.  They won't get the jokes anyway.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Rand was walking home with a cartload of stuff when he suddenly turned around and noticed a black man standing behind him. As is usually the case when small-town, uneducated hick farmers encounter a black man, he was terrified. He did, however, notice the man had no eyes, which made him think the dude was just lost or something.

So he kept going home, and when he got there, he saw Tam, his father, standing there. "Oh," said Tam, "I totally spaced on getting you a birthday present, so I went up in the attic and found a sword I don't use anymore. Here ya go."

"Gee… um… thanks," Rand said while scratching his head and wondering what the hell he was supposed to do with a sword. He already had his own "blade" he could use out in the sheep fields when he got lonely or bored. He noticed the blade had a heron etched into it, which was really weird because Rand, until then, had no idea what the hell a heron was.

It proved to be a good thing that he got the sword, though, because just then a large thing that had a ram's head, wolf's claws, and eagle's feet jumped out of the forest. _What is that guy doing this far from Hollywood? _thought Rand. But he didn't have time to ponder the question because the weird guy was trying to attack him.

"There can be only one!" Rand yelled as he cut the beast's head off. He then turned to see another of the beasts trying to kill Tam, so he ran up and killed that one, too.

But Tam was already really badly hurt, so Rand did the best thing he could and shoved Tam into a wheelbarrow and started running toward Emond's Field. On the way, Tam started mumbling incoherently from his injuries, occasionally shouting out strange things. "SARAH PALIN FOR PRESIDENT!" yelled Tam during a particularly feverish moment.

_Wow, he must really be delirious_, Rand thought.

When he was close to arriving at Emond's Field, Tam sat up in the wheelchair, looked straight at Rand, and with a strange, bass-baritone voice slowly said, "Rand, I am not your father!" Tam then passed out, and Rand could hear him breathing loudly.

"NO! IT'S NOT TRUE! IT'S NOT TRUE!" Rand yelled, but he kept running toward the village.

When he got there, everything was in complete disarray. All of the people were scrambling around and shouting like a bunch of pre-teen girls at a Justin Bieber concert. Rand found Nynaeve and ran up to her with his cart. "Can you heal him, Nynaeve?" Rand pleaded.

"Sorry, Rand, but I don't accept your insurance plan anymore," Nynaeve said, then walked away.

Rand looked around and saw someone else tending to sick people, so he strode over to her. Next to her was a guy whose cloak kept changing colors. Rand immediately took his hand-rolled joint out of his pocket and tossed it into the trash. That shit was seriously making him see weird things.

He neared the woman and she turned to face him, upon looking at her face, he could tell that she was an older woman who had a lot of plastic surgery done. "Can you help my dad? He's really sick."

"How sick is he?" She asked.

"He was muttering a lot on the way here. He said something about how Queen Morgase should extend tax cuts to the wealthy because it would help us poor folk."

Morgase leaped to her feet and rushed over to Tam. "Yes, this man is clearly as sick as any I've ever seen." She waved a tricorder over him, said a magic chant, and then said, "he should be all right after a few days' rest. Wheel him over to the inn, won't you? And try to be gentle with it, I saw how much you were weaving that thing on the way over here."

"Well," Rand said, "It's an old wheelbarrow and it has a busted wheel in the front. The wheelbarrow weaves as the wheelbarrow wills."

When Rand and Tam got to the Winespring Inn, Egwene rushed out and threw her arms around Rand, putting her hands on his butt cheeks. "Oh, Rand, I thought you had been killed!"

"What happened here?" asked Rand.

"Oh, it was terrible!" cried Egwene. "There were Trollocs and Myrddraal… and lions and tigers and bears!"

"Oh, my!"

"Yeah, and they burned a bunch of farms. Samel Crawe over there got his whole farm burned to the ground by Trollocs."

Rand turned and saw Samel. "You lost all of your tabac?"

Samel looked up. "What? Ohhh, yeah, tabac. That's it." He looked away from Rand.

"What did the Trollocs do after they burned it?"

"Oh, mostly just sat around listening to Pink Floyd. Hey, listen, I gotta go."

Rand rolled Tam into the inn and Marin carried him off to bed. As Marin carted him off, Moiraine walked in with Lan looking all badass beside her. "I have to leave and take you, Mat, and Perrin with me to Tar Valon. Don't ask why. I'm Aes Sedai, you know, and if you ask us anything, we just look at you real stern-like and use the One Power to make you feel like Lindsay Lohan in a courtroom."

"I'm coming, too!" cried Egwene.

"What for?" asked Moiraine.

"Because I wanna be part of this story, too, ya know."

"Fine," said Moiraine. "We leave immediately."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

They all got their horses ready along with Thom Maryland, who was the entertainer the town had hired when they learned that Penn & Teller had to back out due to another engagement. They left the town came across Aragorn who helped them get around the Nazgul who… oh, wait, sorry. I always get those confused. I mean, they kinda look like Myrddraal, right? They're both pretty spooky.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, right.

Ahem.

As they proceeded down the road, Rand looked up and saw something that looked like a large bat. Not knowing whether it was Shadowspawn, he pointed it out to Lan and Moiraine.

"Oh, no!" said Lan. "That's a Draghkar! If they ever get in front of you, they'll suck out your soul and turn you into a mindless zombie."

"Oh," said Rand, "you mean Facebook."

"No, not quite that bad," agreed Lan. "But still pretty bad, and I'm sure all those Myrddraal and Trollocs are back there, too, so let's get a move on!"

They rode on to Taren Ferry where they rented a taren to cross the River Ferry. When they got to the other side, Moiraine blew up the guy's boat just to piss him off, then made a bunch of fog all over to throw off the Draghkar. "It's to make them think they got sidetracked to San Francisco," explained Moiraine.

Once they had traveled far enough away from the river, they decided to camp out for the night. Rand brought the marshmallows and Mat brought the chocolate, but Egwene totally blew it with bringing the graham crackers, so she went off to sulk. Moiraine went to console her.

Lan used the time to teach Rand how to use his sword. He taught him some of the basic forms, such as Turd Plopping to the Ground. This was followed by Crazy Dude Strips Naked and Fart Wafting Through the Air.

"Stop making light saber noises," shouted Lan. "This is serious shit." His face was as hard as stone from all the facelifts gone horribly wrong. They continued in silence that was only interrupted by the sounds of steel hitting steel or the occasional artery.

After a while, Egwene and Moiraine returned. "I have some great news," exclaimed Egwene.

"You found some graham crackers?" asked Rand.

"Uh, no."

"You can channel?"

"Yes."

"Good," said Rand. "Then channel us some graham crackers."

With an exasperated grunt, Egwene continued. "I'm going to be an Aes Sedai!"

"An Aes Sedai that can't remember graham crackers," Rand mumbled.

"Will you shut the fuck up about the stupid graham crackers?"

The next day they arrived in Baerlon and when they went to check into an inn, they found Nynaeve standing there with her breasts resting upon her folded arms. She wore a scowl that did nothing to detract from her impressive knockers. She ended up spending the next hour yelling at Moiraine in the inn to the sounds of drunken men yelling "catfight!"

"It appears," said Moiraine, "that Nynaeve will be following us to Tar Valon."

Nynaeve responded by tugging hard at her braid. After a loud ripping sound, bald Nynaeve stood there looking at her hair hung limply in her hand.

"Um, anyone know where there's a good wig shop nearby?"


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

"How did you find us?" asked Lan. "I was careful to hide our tracks."

Mat chimed in. "Nynaeve is the best tracker in the Two Rivers. In fact, she was once assigned to find Osama bin Laden, and…"

"We don't talk about that!" Nynaeve cut in sharply.

"But yeah," said Rand. "She is the best tracker around."

Nynaeve nodded her head. "That, and I read Rand's tweets."

They all had dinner and went to bed. As Rand fell asleep, he found himself in a large, strange room. "Ha! I've found you!" came a hissing voice from a darkened corner of the room. From the corner emerged a frightening, commanding figure who approached him slowly and confidently. "Harry Potter, I have found you!"

"Who?" asked Rand.

"Huh?" was the startled reply. "You're not Harry Potter? I'm Lord Voldemort."

"Nope, sorry. Don't know who that is. I'm Rand al'Thor of the Two Rivers."

The figure pulled out a map and studied it, then, scratching his head, turned away. Rand could hear him mumble, "I knew I shoulda taken that left turn in Albuquerque."

When Rand awoke, he came downstairs to notice that Moiraine was already awake and was talking to a young, slender, and slightly boyish-looking girl with short dark hair and boy's clothes. Moiraine caught sight of Rand descending the staircase.

"Ah, Rand," said Moiraine. "I'd like to introduce you to Justin Bieber."

Before he could introduce himself, he saw Egwene and Nynaeve coming downstairs. Both were completely naked.

"Wha…. What are you doing?" stammered Rand.

Egwene sighed. "We're female characters. It's in our contract. We can't be in three straight chapters without being naked."

Rand harrumphed. "Weak union. All we have to do is act like complete pussies whenever we're going to get laid."

Egwene sniffed loudly.

"You really have to kick that cocaine habit, Egwene."

Wiping her nose, she replied, "I've got it under control."

As they all sat down to breakfast, another young woman stepped into the common room and approached Moiraine. Moiraine introduced her to the Two Rivers folk as Min Farshaw. "She has the ability to read the pattern and see people's future."

"What do you see when you look at me?" asked Rand.

Min squinted hard as she stared at him. After a long moment, her lips parted and she spoke. "Sequels. A shitload of them."

Lan then burst into the room and said to the group, "we gotta go. There are more Trollocs and Myrddraal on the way."


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

They rode out of Baerlon as fast as they could, but the Trollocs were never far behind. Lan rode ahead to scout the area, and when he returned, Moiraine asked him what he saw.

"Trollocs to the left of me, Myrddraal to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you, and I don't know what it is I should do."

"We're going to have to head north," replied Moiraine.

"But north," replied Lan, "is where the most festering cesspool of a city lives. It's full of evil and corruption."

"I've been to Detroit," Rand chimed in. "It's not as bad as people say."

"No," said Moiraine. "I'm talking about Shadar Logoth."

"Isn't that the Tea Party headquarters?" asked Egwene.

"Yes," said Moiraine. "It's the only city vile enough to allow such filth within its walls. Even the very name 'Shadar Logoth' is Old Tongue for 'Stay-the-Fuck-Out-If-You-Know-What's-Good-For-You.'"

But since there was no choice, they all rode north.

When they got to the city, they went to an abandoned building, but before entering, Moiraine said, "I need to put up a ward against evil."

"You're going to use the One Power?" asked Egwene.

"No," replied Moiraine simply. She then pulled out a piece of cardboard and wrote with marker in big letters, "PUBLIC LIBRARY," then placed the makeshift sign in front of the building. "As long as we stay in here, we should be okay."

Before they went in, Mat grabbed Perrin and Rand and said he wanted to go hunting around the city. "There's treasure in this city somewhere!" said Mat, beaming.

"How on earth do you know that?" asked Perrin.

"I have a treasure map. See?"

Rand looked at the map for only a moment before replying, "Mat, that's a box of Cap'n Crunch."

"Well, whatever. I know there's treasure here."

They walked off and explored the city. "Wow, it's like everything in this city is crumbling," Rand remarked as they passed a Borders bookstore.

Just then, a mysterious figure appeared in front of them. You could tell by the look of him that he was pure evil.

"Hey everyone," said the mysterious figure. "My name is Charlie Sheen. I'm throwing a party if you wanna come."

"Oh boy!" exclaimed Mat as he ran toward the figure. Rand and Perrin had no choice but to follow. "Will there be treasure there?"

"No, but there will be tons of booty."

They followed the man into a building and when they got there, they saw a room full of DVD's with titles such as "Two and a Half Men, Season 1," "Major League," and "Platoon."

"Oh no!" exclaimed Rand. "It's a trap! He's trying to get us to watch his TV shows and movies!"

They all screamed in terror and ran out the door as fast as they could until they got back to Moiraine and everyone else. "Where have you been?" yelled Moiraine. "I was worried sick about you! I told you to be home by ten! That's it, you're grounded!"

Before they could say anything, Lan stormed in. "We need to clear out. The Trollocs are headed right for us!"

They all ran out of the building with the Trollocs chasing after them. As they left, they saw tendrils of smoke starting to seep into the streets.

"Oh, no!" cried Moiraine. "It's worse than I thought. It's… It's… secondhand smoke! Everybody run!" They all scattered, but not before one of the tendrils grabbed a Trolloc, who instantly died of lung cancer.

They barely made it out of the city, but had been split up.


End file.
